I have found myself back. It has been ten months or so since I (thought I) lost everything in life. I had never thought that life could be this pleasant. I used to always hate cheesy movies but now I pretty much enjoy it sometimes. My new environment offers me a wide array of surprisingly exciting stuff, while it also throws a set of responsibilities to my face. I have gained some weight and changed a lot physically. I eat more and drink more, not only vegetables and milk but also red meat and alcohol. I have heard my laughter so much more, I have found some (kind of) life.
I was wrapped by some kind of paper full of cultural excrement. I had always been quite comfortable with it, although sometimes I realized that it had caused breathing trouble during my sleep. I was surrounded by angels and haunted by devils. I prayed rosary and dreamt about hell. I told nobody, nonetheless. What should I have said anyway? I still remember that running beat I could hear clearly from my heart every time I started build a little question in my head. The air whispered that I was not right. The wind pushed me to swallow back that little question down my throat then flushed it with lime juice.
I used to consider being with the people around me as relatively fun. I talked a lot to my mother, teachers, and some friends. We discussed about stuff, but never drew any conclusion. We discovered new paradigms, but did not find any chance to learn them. We were taught to ask questions to teachers but not questions beyond their beliefs. We were told to be productive in society but were not allowed to go to protests and demonstrations. We learned in class about nurturing the nature, but were not allowed to go to the mountains. We were made amazed of the word "freedom" but were never allowed to enjoy it. We were trapped in a jail of shame and hypocrisy.
Nevertheless I still felt amazing that those questions just eventually grew inside me. It had not been that bad after all, not as bad as the worst scenario I had pictured clearly in my head.
I used to consider being with the people around me as relatively fun. I talked a lot to my mother, teachers, and some friends. We discussed about stuff, but never drew any conclusion. We discovered new paradigms, but did not find any chance to learn them. We were taught to ask questions to teachers but not questions beyond their beliefs. We were told to be productive in society but were not allowed to go to protests and demonstrations. We learned in class about nurturing the nature, but were not allowed to go to the mountains. We were made amazed of the word "freedom" but were never allowed to enjoy it. We were trapped in a jail of shame and hypocrisy.
Nevertheless I still felt amazing that those questions just eventually grew inside me. It had not been that bad after all, not as bad as the worst scenario I had pictured clearly in my head.
Finally there was a point where I found the opportunity to let all those questions out of myself. It was the point where I could just ask anything to anyone without being inferior to whom. It was also the moment when I knew I that I had some power. It was just simply the point where I suddenly knew that I could just fuck everyone I meet without having anyone being judgmental about that, where nobody gives a shit. I was liberated.
Sometimes I dream about that wrapping paper brought by the angels who used to sing me lullaby. Sometimes I dream about those angels singing me lullaby, then wrapping me back with that paper. Sometimes I dream about myself being wrapped by that paper, sometimes I just cannot breathe.
Never mind. I have met Mary Jane.
